a million things

since june-

got engaged.
planned a wedding for march.
got married in august.
got promoted in october.

why is it that when i'm finally happy i feel so sad that it's taken this long?

...the fuck is wrong with me?

for the benefit of mrs s

just received my new book in the mail yesterday. had to read a bit before bed :)

if you haven't started reading the 'ice and fire' series, do yourself a favor and pick it up. it's 5 books long so far, but george rr martin is still writing.

curiouser and curiouser

i have lost my voice, but i still have my sight...

i have not felt up to putting anything in writing for a while now... i'm not sure how long it will stay this way.

i've been following a few more blogs... i hate writing, but i love to read!

family.

i hate that i'm not really a central part of my family anymore.

it's really hard to balance out my friends, boyfriend and family. especially since they all want to do things the same weekends/days of the week.

i don't see eric all that often, i so i take advantage of all the opportunities that i get to see him. but then my family plans outings for the same time. and then my friends decide that's the night they're going to invite me out...

i know i can bail on my family more and they're ok with it, as long as it's to see eric. but my friends get super offended.

i forgot to mention... 'bros before hoes' doesn't apply here cause eric was my hoe before i was friends with most of my current bros. they can't get mad that i'm ditching them for my boyfriend when he's been my friend and boyfriend a lot longer....

and also, most the time they want to go out, and i just can't afford it.

:/

wishing i could find the balance
Becca

a good cup of...

shut the eff up!

no, just kidding. a good cup of COFFEE can make any day start out right for me.

i'm attempting to this every day. i mean, it's worth a shot!

life is ok today. that's all i can ask for... takin it one day at a time to simplify things.

takin it easy
Becca

i'm sick.

i'm sick of being fat.

i'm sick of making excuses.

i'm sick of hearing 'you don't look that bad.'

i'm sick of feeling gross.

i'm sick of feeling like a blob.

i'm sick of feeling sad.

i'm sick of being lazy.

i'm sick of hearing other people's excuses.

i'm sick of junk food.

ok maybe not THAT sick of junk food.

but i am definitely sick of the weight i gain when i enjoy the junk food.

from now on i will refer to eating junk food as 'all the evil'

i will not partake of all the evil without getting off my ass to work off all the evil.

i am buying running shoes, even if i will only walk in them.

i will eat my veggies, even if i cover them in salt.

i will drink water, even if it's followed by a diet soda.

i will get off my fat ass and quit feeling sorry for myself. nobody did this to me. i did it to myself. and i'm done.

motivating myself,
Becca

if.

if you're trying to throw me off track, it worked.

i officially feel like you don't give a shit.

-b

it's not anyones fault.

except for my own.

i relate everything to the past. i see something that i don't want to see because i stick my nose in places that i maybe shouldn't, but not purposely. not to say i'd rather be ignorant... but i can't go through life being paranoid about every little god damn thing.

just because my ex boyfriend was a bastard, and treated me like shit, and hid things from me that need not have been hidden... it's made me uncomfortable.

it makes me doubt my current situation.

i have it so good, but it's hard for me to accept that i could possibly have found such an amazing man. it's hard for me to realize that he's not a total prick who's going to screw me over through no real fault of my own.

i'm not a nosy bitch. i don't go through things i shouldn't. but when i'm typing a website address and i look up to make sure i've typed it correctly, and something pops up that i don't want to have seen................ what do i do? what the fuck do i do...?

i'm so fucking happy, it kills me. i know i don't deserve it and i'm waiting for everything to just collapse around me. my world can, at any moment, cave in and bury me.

i'm so fucking happy that i'm miserable.

what. the. fuck.

wondering what my problem is,
Becca

:/

eric got into an accident on the moto. dislike :(

he's ok, but it really scared me. the idea of him not being there............. i don't want to think about that. ever.

in fact, i insist i must die first.

not going before he does,
Becca

cut, cut, cut.

i've worked like 11 hours this week. that's starting last sunday. uuugh!

it's my own fault. i offered a few times to cut my hours back, because i was scheduled way more than usual.. but now that she's only scheduling me like 28 hours a week.. i can't afford to cut that much! i have to work 50 hours in a pay period or i'm going to go broke.

i guess i'll have to sit down and explain that... although i can almost guarantee it'll be closely followed by her saying that my sales aren't good, my crm's aren't good.. this is why my hours are cut. which absolutely isn't true. i mean the part about my crm's being bad, that's true.... but i swear i'm trying!!!

ugh.

ugh ugh ugh
Becca

Sometimes...

I feel good enough about myself, but I feel like I'm a letdown to him :/

i know my weight is an issue, even though he won't ever say it.

i wish he would just tell me :(

ugh, i feel so bad now!!!


.
Becca

if there's something you want to tell me

don't use code.

i'm not smart enough to understand apparently.










i don't get it.
Becca

crafties and others

i was angry today.

so i made stuff.

today was...

ugh, a total down day.

i felt... off? that's the best description i can give. nothing significantly bad happened, i just felt blah.

after spending 7 days at eric's house, coming back to my world was a little hard. i'm depressed being so far from him. it's really difficult. i miss him all the time. there's not a second of the day that goes by without me thinking of him. that's not to say i don't have things to occupy my time.. i do, i work on art and watch movies and work... but he's always in my head.

and on top of leaving him in riverside, i had to return to the hectic world of the herring household. there are too many people in this house. i have no privacy and i can't relax. i feel uptight all the time.

hopefully tomorrow will be better. i'm going to eric's for the evening, to eat tacos and spend some quality minutes with him. then wednesday morning it's 2 hours of traffic, right back to orange county :(

i can't wait until the only distance between us is when we're at work :)

here's to the future
Becca

a friend indeed

i saw meg today.

we have not hung out in quite some time. mainly because of our schedules being different. also because i'm moody and keep to myself more than i used to.

i do miss her. it was nice to sit and have coffee and just talk about whatever.

i wouldn't have gone if i didn't get off work early, so i guess that's a positive to my hours being cut today.

also, suck it.

moodily yours,
Becca

......new year?

woooooo...

as usual, my tone is flat.

- - - - addendum

i guess i should elaborate, though i'm not in the greatest of moods to do so...

the first of the year usually marks a change for people, even though it really just means a new calendar. people tend to get excited that they can 'start fresh' with a whole new year.

i am not an optimist. i am not completely a pessimist either. i am a realist. i see things as they should be seen. i see things both as positive and negative, depending upon which category they realistically fit into.

the new year for me simply means that another year has started that will slowly pass without anything very eventful happening.

i am still at the same crappy job, unable to find another. i am still living with my parents, unable to move out. i am still living 30+ miles from my boyfriend. i am also still working the opposite schedule as my boyfriend. i still drive an old crappy car that uses way too much gas.

the few positive things about 2011... the taxes. i will get money back this year! no matter how far away, we still support each other emotionally :) AND, i will be paying down my credit cards, registering my car in CA (2 years late) and hopefully will be getting a gym membership.

but i'm still bummed out...

staying that way,
Becca

I am lots of things

For one, I'm not exciting enough to have a blog.

Secondly, I'm definitely COMPLICATED enough to fill pages and pages of a blog.. but I hate airing my dirty laundry on the internet.

- - - So today I will just write about work.

Work is complicated. I like what I do, but I do not have any respect for my manager, nor do I like how my company treats their employees. I won't leave though. The longer I'm here as a supervisor, the better it is for my resume. I want to use this as a stepping stone to get me to where I really need to be.

As of next month I will take on more responsibility. I will begin doing the monthly manager schedule and the weekly schedules for the store. My manager is incapable of making a proper schedule, so it's being left in my hands. I'm pretty stoked.

Aside from work, I have no legitimate complaints about my life. I'm ok with myself, and I'm working on it. I'm extremely happy with Eric. I miss my friends, but I'm more worried about paying off my debt than partying. I want to be completely debt free by the time I'm 30. I know I can definitely make it if i stick to paying a little extra on things and not spending my money needlessly.

I look forward to starting 2011 on a positive note :)

Becca

Day 35

Prenatal Vitams, you better work... i spent a crapload of money on you!!!!!

Day oh-who-the-hell-even-remembers?

Today i came to 3 conclusions about 3 completely different subjects.

First, people that can't handle a very generic, non offensive joke made on the internet, and feel the need to respond to said joke with racial slurs and incorrectly spelled insults are, well, moronic.

···· i made a comment about a guy deserving to get a dui because he had two last names. I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT SERIOUS. but some (for lack of a better word) douche felt that he needed to be an internet vigilante and fight for some random guy's honor, a guy he doesn't have any ties to, by asking me what kind of name 'Bekkuh Herring' was and telling me it's only a normal name because i'm pakistani (which i'm not)... i'm not sure if he was judging by my picture, you know, cause i have brown hair...

Second, i have, in all 24 years of my life, never been much of a writer.

···· i could never bring myself to sit down and put pen to paper, or even fingertips to keyboard. i can't eloquently say anything, no matter how hard i try. when i had a diary, i tried writing in it religiously, which only lasted about 3 days. even as a private book, that i knew nobody would read, i wrote as though i was writing for someone. i could never just write what i felt, with no regard for how it would really make anyone else feel if they read it. i'm attempting to not do the same here. i try to write what i feel, but sometimes that is hard for me, which is why the updates are few and far between. i will try to be better, for myself

Last, Dr Bronner's+Hair=BAD IDEA. don't do it!

···· i wanted to give it a try, so i've been using a tiny bit on my roots every few days. today however, i decided to be a little more hardcore and scrub my entire scalp and lather up the rest of my hair with it. bad bad bad. after getting out of the shower, i towel dried, then blow dried and instantly noticed that my hair felt really strange and waxy.

···· after closer inspection of my brush, i realized that more hair than usual was pulled out, and it was all covered in a really gross waxy substance that looked grey and had white specks. it's not lice, and my scalp isn't peeling. it was the 'soap' turning waxy and then balling up. uuuugh. now i must take another shower and try to save my hair with the other organic stuff i usually use. i may have to give up on not washing my hair after this. it's not going so well, hence no new pictures. i'm completely revolted by my own hair. me, the girl who used to skip showers for 3-4 days, is grossed out by a little grease in my hair. i know eric's not to keen on the idea of dirty hair either.

thinking about throwing in the (dirty) towel
Bekkuh

Day 17

I haven't forgotten about you.

I am simply super annoyed at my insanely disgusting hair. It's been almost 3 weeks and the only change I see is for the worse. my locks are greasy and flat. i have to change my pillow cases on a daily basis, and still my face is breaking out from the oils.

eric is disgusted by it, so i've been using that soap i bought at whole foods the day that i see him, then just flat ironing or pinning my hair up for the few days i'm at his place.

and on top of it all, i feel like a disgusting blob. my hair/face were the only things i was comfortable with about myself, and now that i don't have that, i feel completely horrible.

so on that note, i will not be posting a picture today, as i am grumpy and have no desire to share my grossness with you.

trying to get past this
Bekkuh