beer crisis

i'm just letting y'all know that i had a beer, or 3, before writing this, so i apologize ahead of time for any 'drunken' ramblings that happen here tonight.

i had a discussion with a girl at work today, who i honestly thought didn't like me. i came to find out, she just doesn't like her job. she went to school for something, but never found an 'in' to get her where she wants to be career-wise. she wants to do something with 'visual marketing.' she did it for a few companies in the retail industry, but ultimately, she wants to work for a studio.

i was listening to her talk about all this and i felt so crappy about my own life.

but then, she started talking about how she's been with the same guy for 8 years. she wants to get married and have kids and he's just lagging. his priorities are, i guess, out of wack. she lives with her parents, too, which made me feel a little better about my situation, because she's like.. 28, or something.

i just kept telling myself, 'eric will marry me before we hit 8 years.................... right? right.'

but i realized, i don't have to convince myself, like i did with frank. i can just say, 'everything will be ok. we'll get married when it's right, which i'm sure will be sooner rather than later,' and i feel fine about it. with frank, and other various ex boyfriends, i always felt like i HAD to have a time for when things were going to happen. like i had a chart or something, that said when this and this and that were supposed to happen, and if we didn't follow it strictly.... idk, maybe i'd burst into flames or something?

i never had a chart, btw. that was just an example. i'm not THAT crazy thankyouverymuch.

then yesterday, J decided to tell me that he wishes he had gotten together with me when he had the chance, and again, i did not have the reaction that i expected myself to have. usually, in that situation i'd start questioning my current relationship. is he the guy i'm meant to be with, or maybe this new guy...?

but i didn't have that, at all. and that's not to say it's because i didn't have feelings for J. i mean, i don't anymore, but i definitely did at one time. but i caught myself thinking 'but, i love eric.' and not as a 'why are you doing this, when i love eric,' but more as a statement. pure and true. no question about it. i love eric and eric is the man i am supposed to be with. and WANT to be with, whether i'm supposed to or not (but i AM supposed to) so it's perfect really.

he makes me a better person. he makes me want to change things about myself that i never realized needed to be changed. but don't get me wrong, he's not asking me to change. i realize there are things i want to change about myself just by being around him. he exudes confidence and responsibility and pure unadulterated goodness. i have never in my life met someone that i looked up to and respected so much.

and that's not to say that he's perfect, or even our relationship. we both err. we both get on each other's nerves occasionally. he has bad habits, i have HORRIBLE habits. but we compliment each other. we COMPLETE each other. and it just works.

i know a lot of people who are in a rush to have a wedding, and have a baby. i am not one of those people. wait wait, i know, you're like 'WHAT?!?!?! weren't you JUST complaining about not being married?' uhhh, yeah. i can not wait to be married. i can not wait to have a husband and to have children with my husband. children that are part me, part him. children that we can raise together, to be respectable adults. i don't want to get married for the sake of having a wedding. i don't want to have a baby for the sake of having a baby to show off to my friends. shit, i'll probably be a recluse after i give birth.

i just want to be happy and grow old with the man i love. to watch my children grow up and get married and have their own children, my grandchildren.

eric talks about how he's going to love being old, and y'know what? i'm going to love being old with eric :)

major league issues

had an emotional meltdown today, a mental breakdown. there have been quite a few things stressing me lately, most of which i'm trying to let roll off my shoulders.

but there was one major issue that kept nagging at me. last night, in the form of tears, it burst out of me at full speed while talking to my mother about a completely unrelated topic.

so today, i let it stir a little, cried a few times for 'no reason' or so everyone around me thought. then tonight i let it loose on eric! poor guy, but really it was an issue with him that needed to be dealt with, so i guess it was time.

in the past few months he has made several comments about the fact that i need to eventually get out on my own, out of my parents house. either alone or with a roommate. but he has made it clear that he wants me to be out of my parents house before he marries me.

say it with me... WTFFFFFFFFFFFF!

i HAVE lived on my own. in colorado, i paid rent, paid all my own bills, bought groceries, took care of 1000 sq ft! yes, that is not a lot of space, but is it much smaller than your average apartment? no.

then i lived with meg, which i have been honest that i did not feel was a real grown up situation.

so tonight i told him exactly how i felt. that even when i get a better job and am making more money, i will be staying with my folks. why should i move out and have all that extra money i'm making going to rent on an apartment that i don't really want to be in, all alone?

i think it is a much smarter thing for me to live with my parents, save money, and be that much closer to starting my life with eric.

so, he took it really well. i won't share what he said, but it was really nice to hear how he feels about it now that i voiced my opinion. needless to say, he doesn't feel the same as he did when he first brought it up to me.

i love him :)

Whyshouldyoulistentome?

I have no scholastic credentials.

I am not recognized as an authority on any subject.

I am not respected in any field.

in case of emergency: break face

please do not consider asking my opinion if you are going to do any of the following:

warp my words to fit into what YOUR opinion was.

dismiss my opinion because it is not the same as yours.

tell me that my opinion doesn't really apply to the situation at hand. (maybe it doesn't, but that's likely because you left out details)

DO NOT get upset with me because i called you out.

___________________________________________

I'm sure that you are friends with me because we are different. We complement each other. We disagree. So please do not ask my opinion if it is only to get validation, because chances are, I'm going to disagree with you.

because words are meant to be written.

The Rules:
List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.
Don't say who they pertain to.

1.
you said it was allmyfault and you thought i believed you.
but the truth is, ive never really believed one thing you said. especially the i.love.yous

2.
i owe you my life. i wish i knew more about yours.

3.
why couldn't you have just left me alone? i would have been better off without these shaky memories.

4.
i'm not your FUCKINGPLAYGROUNDMAN, you cannot walk all over me. we are not them anymore. please move on.

5.
you may have spent more money, but i gave you more. i gave you me.

6.
this whole thing, itscarestheshitoutofme. but in a good way :)

7.
you may not know who you are, but i know who you are, and i admire you for it everyday. especially the days you think i hate you.

8.
can we please stand in a room with each other without throwing knives forONEGODDAMNMINUTE!?

9.

was it all a joke or was this real? it felt real to me, but now im not sure it happened at all. i wish i knew if this was some cruel joke.

10.

youre TOOFAR and i cant stand it. i miss you but its time to let you go.

11.

get some god damn self respect. grow the other half of your brain. and then MAYBE think about calling me.

the road to nowhere

i was once an amazing, happy, talented, creative, independent, unique individual.

now i do not know what i am.

i sit and look at the things i have written, and can't help but feel a little empty.

i look at photos of myself and can't help but wonder where things went wrong.

i can blame it all on someone else. someone who is no longer a part of my life. or i can take responsibility for where i am at.

but none of this helps fix the problem. none of this helps change who i have become.

a friend tonight asked, 'what happened to the gravel-for-breakfast girl you used to be,' and the truth is, i don't know. i had no answer to give to him, because i have no answer to give myself.

i have made mistakes, lots of them. for a long time i felt that regret was only a weakness. i felt i was better than the sad people who sit around thinking about all the stupid shit they've done.

but now, i don't know. my motto was 'nullum poenitentia' for years. i loved telling people that i had no regret. but now i am filled with them.

i have become what i hate. and i despise myself.

i wish i could find my way back to that girl up there. the girl with no regret, who's like nobody you've met.

but where do i start?

hello blogosphere!

tonight was interesting to say the least.

i discovered that two new supervisor positions have opened in my district.

one is in my store. it is part time.

one is in irvine. it is full time.

i may apply for both. see which i get.

..........................the downside- i will have to work friday-sunday every weekend. i will never see eric.

it is hard enough not seeing eric throughout the week, especially when i have a bad week. i am not sure how i will handle only seeing him every few weeks, if that.

i am absolutely positive it will not have a negative effect on our relationship. i am not the type to think 'i need a boyfriend who is around all the time,' i am only afraid of what it may do to my depression.

i am so in love with him. i wish that i could hit fast forward on our relationship. not because i want to miss anything that happens, but because i want to be his wife already.

i want to be around him often. i want to live with him, which won't happen until we are married.

but i digress... the supervisor position would be a good way to get there. it would help me become more financially stable, more independent.

i do not have much debt to pay, but the little wages i make now make it very hard to pay more than my minimums.

i think it is time for me to grow up.

hello monday, i hate you

but i am enjoying these yummy pina colada tic tacs that i just purchased... the only good thing that will come out of today.

blow the rest away.

today has started out interestingly enough. my nephews threw a few rolls of toilet paper in the toilet.

Ciaran has obviously learned to open doors on his own.

YAY!

it's hard to try and find the time to do my running when people are coming at me from all sides, asking me to do things for them...

things that prevent me from getting anything done that i need to do.

it's hard to do things for myself when i have my family around, trying to make me feel selfish.

so today, i go to walmart, sams club, and target with vicki, to run her errands. then i go to work. accomplishing nothing for myself.

hooray....

___________________________________________

Amend:

because i am, apparently, incredibly slow and can not shower, do my hair, get dressed, etc in 5 minutes, i am no longer INVITED to run errands with my sister.

120 days of sodom

eric has added 'Salò' to his netflix queue for us to watch next weekend.

i have read/heard many things about this movie. it is supposedly one of the most disturbing movies ever made...

Salò

i am looking forward to enjoying it with a big bowl of popcorn and boyfriend...

the weekends are the shining light at the end of the dark tunnels that are my weeks... the time i get to spend with eric, and selfishly, hopefully nobody else.

comfort

it must have been at least 3 years ago... i had a crush...

el bombo atomico

i am an asshole.

i lose friends fast.

and when i realize ive lost another, i harden myself.

and because of this vicious cycle repeating itself...

i am an asshole.

and when you tell me this over and over again.

the vicious cycle repeats itself...

and i am STILL an asshole.

but thanks for sharing your opinion of me.

i was a failure and they found me out.

today, more than anything, i feel like a failure.

i do not finish what i start. i rarely start things in the first place because i always come back to the same place.

what if i start something and fail at it?

i feel lazy and lethargic and unmotivated.. and a million other shitty things on top.

i dont know what to do with myself or my life anymore.

the only things i want to do are oddities that will get me nowhere in life.

i get on a roll painting, creating, cutting, gluing, taping. no good comes from these things.

i go to work for less than half of a normal persons work shift and i can not stand it.

it drags and all i want to do is go home. not even to do anything. just to not be there.

i never want to be where i am. and when i go somewhere else i dont want to be there either.

i want to be nowhere. and lucky me, thats exactly where i am.

she believes in superstition

is fate a farce? some illusion to make us believe that the things that have happened and will happen are meant to be. some illusion to make us rationalize the stupid decisions we make in our lives?