the road to nowhere

i was once an amazing, happy, talented, creative, independent, unique individual.

now i do not know what i am.

i sit and look at the things i have written, and can't help but feel a little empty.

i look at photos of myself and can't help but wonder where things went wrong.

i can blame it all on someone else. someone who is no longer a part of my life. or i can take responsibility for where i am at.

but none of this helps fix the problem. none of this helps change who i have become.

a friend tonight asked, 'what happened to the gravel-for-breakfast girl you used to be,' and the truth is, i don't know. i had no answer to give to him, because i have no answer to give myself.

i have made mistakes, lots of them. for a long time i felt that regret was only a weakness. i felt i was better than the sad people who sit around thinking about all the stupid shit they've done.

but now, i don't know. my motto was 'nullum poenitentia' for years. i loved telling people that i had no regret. but now i am filled with them.

i have become what i hate. and i despise myself.

i wish i could find my way back to that girl up there. the girl with no regret, who's like nobody you've met.

but where do i start?