beer crisis

i'm just letting y'all know that i had a beer, or 3, before writing this, so i apologize ahead of time for any 'drunken' ramblings that happen here tonight.

i had a discussion with a girl at work today, who i honestly thought didn't like me. i came to find out, she just doesn't like her job. she went to school for something, but never found an 'in' to get her where she wants to be career-wise. she wants to do something with 'visual marketing.' she did it for a few companies in the retail industry, but ultimately, she wants to work for a studio.

i was listening to her talk about all this and i felt so crappy about my own life.

but then, she started talking about how she's been with the same guy for 8 years. she wants to get married and have kids and he's just lagging. his priorities are, i guess, out of wack. she lives with her parents, too, which made me feel a little better about my situation, because she's like.. 28, or something.

i just kept telling myself, 'eric will marry me before we hit 8 years.................... right? right.'

but i realized, i don't have to convince myself, like i did with frank. i can just say, 'everything will be ok. we'll get married when it's right, which i'm sure will be sooner rather than later,' and i feel fine about it. with frank, and other various ex boyfriends, i always felt like i HAD to have a time for when things were going to happen. like i had a chart or something, that said when this and this and that were supposed to happen, and if we didn't follow it strictly.... idk, maybe i'd burst into flames or something?

i never had a chart, btw. that was just an example. i'm not THAT crazy thankyouverymuch.

then yesterday, J decided to tell me that he wishes he had gotten together with me when he had the chance, and again, i did not have the reaction that i expected myself to have. usually, in that situation i'd start questioning my current relationship. is he the guy i'm meant to be with, or maybe this new guy...?

but i didn't have that, at all. and that's not to say it's because i didn't have feelings for J. i mean, i don't anymore, but i definitely did at one time. but i caught myself thinking 'but, i love eric.' and not as a 'why are you doing this, when i love eric,' but more as a statement. pure and true. no question about it. i love eric and eric is the man i am supposed to be with. and WANT to be with, whether i'm supposed to or not (but i AM supposed to) so it's perfect really.

he makes me a better person. he makes me want to change things about myself that i never realized needed to be changed. but don't get me wrong, he's not asking me to change. i realize there are things i want to change about myself just by being around him. he exudes confidence and responsibility and pure unadulterated goodness. i have never in my life met someone that i looked up to and respected so much.

and that's not to say that he's perfect, or even our relationship. we both err. we both get on each other's nerves occasionally. he has bad habits, i have HORRIBLE habits. but we compliment each other. we COMPLETE each other. and it just works.

i know a lot of people who are in a rush to have a wedding, and have a baby. i am not one of those people. wait wait, i know, you're like 'WHAT?!?!?! weren't you JUST complaining about not being married?' uhhh, yeah. i can not wait to be married. i can not wait to have a husband and to have children with my husband. children that are part me, part him. children that we can raise together, to be respectable adults. i don't want to get married for the sake of having a wedding. i don't want to have a baby for the sake of having a baby to show off to my friends. shit, i'll probably be a recluse after i give birth.

i just want to be happy and grow old with the man i love. to watch my children grow up and get married and have their own children, my grandchildren.

eric talks about how he's going to love being old, and y'know what? i'm going to love being old with eric :)