a million things

since june-

got engaged.
planned a wedding for march.
got married in august.
got promoted in october.

why is it that when i'm finally happy i feel so sad that it's taken this long?

...the fuck is wrong with me?

for the benefit of mrs s

just received my new book in the mail yesterday. had to read a bit before bed :)

if you haven't started reading the 'ice and fire' series, do yourself a favor and pick it up. it's 5 books long so far, but george rr martin is still writing.

curiouser and curiouser

i have lost my voice, but i still have my sight...

i have not felt up to putting anything in writing for a while now... i'm not sure how long it will stay this way.

i've been following a few more blogs... i hate writing, but i love to read!

family.

i hate that i'm not really a central part of my family anymore.

it's really hard to balance out my friends, boyfriend and family. especially since they all want to do things the same weekends/days of the week.

i don't see eric all that often, i so i take advantage of all the opportunities that i get to see him. but then my family plans outings for the same time. and then my friends decide that's the night they're going to invite me out...

i know i can bail on my family more and they're ok with it, as long as it's to see eric. but my friends get super offended.

i forgot to mention... 'bros before hoes' doesn't apply here cause eric was my hoe before i was friends with most of my current bros. they can't get mad that i'm ditching them for my boyfriend when he's been my friend and boyfriend a lot longer....

and also, most the time they want to go out, and i just can't afford it.

:/

wishing i could find the balance
Becca

a good cup of...

shut the eff up!

no, just kidding. a good cup of COFFEE can make any day start out right for me.

i'm attempting to this every day. i mean, it's worth a shot!

life is ok today. that's all i can ask for... takin it one day at a time to simplify things.

takin it easy
Becca

i'm sick.

i'm sick of being fat.

i'm sick of making excuses.

i'm sick of hearing 'you don't look that bad.'

i'm sick of feeling gross.

i'm sick of feeling like a blob.

i'm sick of feeling sad.

i'm sick of being lazy.

i'm sick of hearing other people's excuses.

i'm sick of junk food.

ok maybe not THAT sick of junk food.

but i am definitely sick of the weight i gain when i enjoy the junk food.

from now on i will refer to eating junk food as 'all the evil'

i will not partake of all the evil without getting off my ass to work off all the evil.

i am buying running shoes, even if i will only walk in them.

i will eat my veggies, even if i cover them in salt.

i will drink water, even if it's followed by a diet soda.

i will get off my fat ass and quit feeling sorry for myself. nobody did this to me. i did it to myself. and i'm done.

motivating myself,
Becca

if.

if you're trying to throw me off track, it worked.

i officially feel like you don't give a shit.

-b

it's not anyones fault.

except for my own.

i relate everything to the past. i see something that i don't want to see because i stick my nose in places that i maybe shouldn't, but not purposely. not to say i'd rather be ignorant... but i can't go through life being paranoid about every little god damn thing.

just because my ex boyfriend was a bastard, and treated me like shit, and hid things from me that need not have been hidden... it's made me uncomfortable.

it makes me doubt my current situation.

i have it so good, but it's hard for me to accept that i could possibly have found such an amazing man. it's hard for me to realize that he's not a total prick who's going to screw me over through no real fault of my own.

i'm not a nosy bitch. i don't go through things i shouldn't. but when i'm typing a website address and i look up to make sure i've typed it correctly, and something pops up that i don't want to have seen................ what do i do? what the fuck do i do...?

i'm so fucking happy, it kills me. i know i don't deserve it and i'm waiting for everything to just collapse around me. my world can, at any moment, cave in and bury me.

i'm so fucking happy that i'm miserable.

what. the. fuck.

wondering what my problem is,
Becca

:/

eric got into an accident on the moto. dislike :(

he's ok, but it really scared me. the idea of him not being there............. i don't want to think about that. ever.

in fact, i insist i must die first.

not going before he does,
Becca

cut, cut, cut.

i've worked like 11 hours this week. that's starting last sunday. uuugh!

it's my own fault. i offered a few times to cut my hours back, because i was scheduled way more than usual.. but now that she's only scheduling me like 28 hours a week.. i can't afford to cut that much! i have to work 50 hours in a pay period or i'm going to go broke.

i guess i'll have to sit down and explain that... although i can almost guarantee it'll be closely followed by her saying that my sales aren't good, my crm's aren't good.. this is why my hours are cut. which absolutely isn't true. i mean the part about my crm's being bad, that's true.... but i swear i'm trying!!!

ugh.

ugh ugh ugh
Becca

Sometimes...

I feel good enough about myself, but I feel like I'm a letdown to him :/

i know my weight is an issue, even though he won't ever say it.

i wish he would just tell me :(

ugh, i feel so bad now!!!


.
Becca

if there's something you want to tell me

don't use code.

i'm not smart enough to understand apparently.










i don't get it.
Becca

crafties and others

i was angry today.

so i made stuff.

today was...

ugh, a total down day.

i felt... off? that's the best description i can give. nothing significantly bad happened, i just felt blah.

after spending 7 days at eric's house, coming back to my world was a little hard. i'm depressed being so far from him. it's really difficult. i miss him all the time. there's not a second of the day that goes by without me thinking of him. that's not to say i don't have things to occupy my time.. i do, i work on art and watch movies and work... but he's always in my head.

and on top of leaving him in riverside, i had to return to the hectic world of the herring household. there are too many people in this house. i have no privacy and i can't relax. i feel uptight all the time.

hopefully tomorrow will be better. i'm going to eric's for the evening, to eat tacos and spend some quality minutes with him. then wednesday morning it's 2 hours of traffic, right back to orange county :(

i can't wait until the only distance between us is when we're at work :)

here's to the future
Becca

a friend indeed

i saw meg today.

we have not hung out in quite some time. mainly because of our schedules being different. also because i'm moody and keep to myself more than i used to.

i do miss her. it was nice to sit and have coffee and just talk about whatever.

i wouldn't have gone if i didn't get off work early, so i guess that's a positive to my hours being cut today.

also, suck it.

moodily yours,
Becca

......new year?

woooooo...

as usual, my tone is flat.

- - - - addendum

i guess i should elaborate, though i'm not in the greatest of moods to do so...

the first of the year usually marks a change for people, even though it really just means a new calendar. people tend to get excited that they can 'start fresh' with a whole new year.

i am not an optimist. i am not completely a pessimist either. i am a realist. i see things as they should be seen. i see things both as positive and negative, depending upon which category they realistically fit into.

the new year for me simply means that another year has started that will slowly pass without anything very eventful happening.

i am still at the same crappy job, unable to find another. i am still living with my parents, unable to move out. i am still living 30+ miles from my boyfriend. i am also still working the opposite schedule as my boyfriend. i still drive an old crappy car that uses way too much gas.

the few positive things about 2011... the taxes. i will get money back this year! no matter how far away, we still support each other emotionally :) AND, i will be paying down my credit cards, registering my car in CA (2 years late) and hopefully will be getting a gym membership.

but i'm still bummed out...

staying that way,
Becca