I am lots of things

For one, I'm not exciting enough to have a blog.

Secondly, I'm definitely COMPLICATED enough to fill pages and pages of a blog.. but I hate airing my dirty laundry on the internet.

- - - So today I will just write about work.

Work is complicated. I like what I do, but I do not have any respect for my manager, nor do I like how my company treats their employees. I won't leave though. The longer I'm here as a supervisor, the better it is for my resume. I want to use this as a stepping stone to get me to where I really need to be.

As of next month I will take on more responsibility. I will begin doing the monthly manager schedule and the weekly schedules for the store. My manager is incapable of making a proper schedule, so it's being left in my hands. I'm pretty stoked.

Aside from work, I have no legitimate complaints about my life. I'm ok with myself, and I'm working on it. I'm extremely happy with Eric. I miss my friends, but I'm more worried about paying off my debt than partying. I want to be completely debt free by the time I'm 30. I know I can definitely make it if i stick to paying a little extra on things and not spending my money needlessly.

I look forward to starting 2011 on a positive note :)

Becca

Day 35

Prenatal Vitams, you better work... i spent a crapload of money on you!!!!!

Day oh-who-the-hell-even-remembers?

Today i came to 3 conclusions about 3 completely different subjects.

First, people that can't handle a very generic, non offensive joke made on the internet, and feel the need to respond to said joke with racial slurs and incorrectly spelled insults are, well, moronic.

···· i made a comment about a guy deserving to get a dui because he had two last names. I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT SERIOUS. but some (for lack of a better word) douche felt that he needed to be an internet vigilante and fight for some random guy's honor, a guy he doesn't have any ties to, by asking me what kind of name 'Bekkuh Herring' was and telling me it's only a normal name because i'm pakistani (which i'm not)... i'm not sure if he was judging by my picture, you know, cause i have brown hair...

Second, i have, in all 24 years of my life, never been much of a writer.

···· i could never bring myself to sit down and put pen to paper, or even fingertips to keyboard. i can't eloquently say anything, no matter how hard i try. when i had a diary, i tried writing in it religiously, which only lasted about 3 days. even as a private book, that i knew nobody would read, i wrote as though i was writing for someone. i could never just write what i felt, with no regard for how it would really make anyone else feel if they read it. i'm attempting to not do the same here. i try to write what i feel, but sometimes that is hard for me, which is why the updates are few and far between. i will try to be better, for myself

Last, Dr Bronner's+Hair=BAD IDEA. don't do it!

···· i wanted to give it a try, so i've been using a tiny bit on my roots every few days. today however, i decided to be a little more hardcore and scrub my entire scalp and lather up the rest of my hair with it. bad bad bad. after getting out of the shower, i towel dried, then blow dried and instantly noticed that my hair felt really strange and waxy.

···· after closer inspection of my brush, i realized that more hair than usual was pulled out, and it was all covered in a really gross waxy substance that looked grey and had white specks. it's not lice, and my scalp isn't peeling. it was the 'soap' turning waxy and then balling up. uuuugh. now i must take another shower and try to save my hair with the other organic stuff i usually use. i may have to give up on not washing my hair after this. it's not going so well, hence no new pictures. i'm completely revolted by my own hair. me, the girl who used to skip showers for 3-4 days, is grossed out by a little grease in my hair. i know eric's not to keen on the idea of dirty hair either.

thinking about throwing in the (dirty) towel
Bekkuh

Day 17

I haven't forgotten about you.

I am simply super annoyed at my insanely disgusting hair. It's been almost 3 weeks and the only change I see is for the worse. my locks are greasy and flat. i have to change my pillow cases on a daily basis, and still my face is breaking out from the oils.

eric is disgusted by it, so i've been using that soap i bought at whole foods the day that i see him, then just flat ironing or pinning my hair up for the few days i'm at his place.

and on top of it all, i feel like a disgusting blob. my hair/face were the only things i was comfortable with about myself, and now that i don't have that, i feel completely horrible.

so on that note, i will not be posting a picture today, as i am grumpy and have no desire to share my grossness with you.

trying to get past this
Bekkuh

Day 9

Hello there,

I was away from the computer all weekend, hence no update. Eric made me wash my hair :/ but i used an 'all purpose soap' so all is ok. I think one of the main reasons my hair feels a bit healthier is because I also haven't been blow drying or straightening at all. I just wash my scalp with the soap and hot water then rinse with cold water, then i let it air dry if i have time. When I don't have the time, I dry with cold air just to speed things up a bit. Driving with my windows down helps too, and it's fun :)

I'm not sure if I'll see Eric this weekend or not, but if I don't, I'm going to try to stop using the soap altogether for a while, just to see what happens.

I got a few compliments at work Saturday, day 5, when my hair was super dirty before I washed it. They said my hair looked so nice! I didn't tell them how dirty it was :)

your dirty girl,
Bekkuh

Day 4

Hello people!

Last night I took a shower and used a drop (literally) of dr. bronners on my roots where i part my hair. I didn't use any sort of clarifying soap like is suggested. I just rinsed with water.

I decided to let my hair dry au naturale. my hair is extremely wavy and when it's dirty it's much wavier and the waves hold a lot longer. I figure the best way to get through the dirty stage is to just wear it up in a clip and the top pinned. Much cuter than straight greasy hair :)

My boyfriend doesn't like dirty hair, so I went to whole foods and bought a bottle of 'multi purpose' sort of like dr. bronners, just to humor him. it's not shampoo and it doesn't have the ingredients that shampoo does that kill your hair. it's not 100% organic, but I made sure all the ingredients were not those that i'm trying to avoid. I'll use a little tonight probably but then I'll go back to not washing since I won't see him again for a while.

Trying to keep it dirty!
Bekkuh

Day 3

Hello world,

I went out dancing last night, on day 2 of my disgusting hair. I felt icky, and it threw off my whole night. my locks were laying flat so i pinned the top back and today i'm doing the same thing, in hopes of masking my nappy hair from view.

i have the entire day off, so it's going to take all my willpower to not wash my hair. i feel like a dirty, DIRTY hippie. so far the only difference i've noticed is for the worse, but supposedly it takes a while.

anyways, i'm going to go try and sidetrack myself, maybe throw out all the shampoo in the house :)

Disgustingly yours
Bekkuh

No-POO movement (Day 2)

Hello world,

I've done a lot of research and I've decided to jump on the no shampoo bandwagon. Over the years I have tried a million different things to make my hair healthy, shiny, grow faster, etc... but nothing helps! I've sat and watched as my sister's hair (same length as mine to begin with) has gotten longer and longer and mine pretty much stays the same. And might I add how ANNOYING this is!!!

It's not fair.. so I started reading articles on ways to make my hair healthier and grow faster. A lot of the articles came back to the same, your hair is dead. It grows at the root but all in all, it's just dead cells, hanging off your head. All these products that claim to 'add life' to your hair are pretty much complete bullshit. Really what they are doing is stripping your hair of the natural oils that help keep your hair healthy, while damaging your scalp in the process, and charging you $5+ for a little bottle!

So today I start an adventure. I last washed my hair with shampoo on Tuesday, Nov 2nd. Today I washed my hair with nothing but water, so It's officially been 2 days.

So now that I have something to blog about, I should be back on here on a regular basis to update on my hair's progress, and my emotional progress with this whole situation.

I'm going to try a few methods and see which works best for me. I'll start with taking out shampoo altogether, quitting it cold turkey!

Wish me luck!
Bekkuh

if the shoe fits... buy it and customize it.

it has been quite some time since i began my journey into the unknown that is the world we call the blogosphere. i started because i thought it would give me a little peace of mind to write down my joys and worries, my proud moments and my.. err.. not so proud moments, my stumbles and my triumphs.. but really it just gave me a big headache, because i'm a worrier. i worried about expectations that were not really there.. i began reading other blogs from seasoned writers and thinking 'why don't my blogs look like that?!?!'

but today i realized something. no matter how few or how many people read my blog, i'm ultimately doing it for me. so again, i resume my journey into the interwebs, with an update on my life.

monday, July 5th, i officially became a member of the management staff in the store i work at. it's been a long wait. i've had multiple interviews, quite a few false alarms... but finally it stuck. i am an asset to their company and i damn well intend to prove myself.

it was a hard decision to open up my availability. i was unavailable sundays, to guarantee that i would at least see eric once a week. i had to decide whether i wanted to choose my career or my boyfriend as the major priority in my life. eric and i talked about it, and he fully supported me, with whatever choice i made. then i had an epiphany. it wasn't one or the other. i could choose my career and still be completely secure in my relationship, whether we saw each other often or not.

see, unlike past boyfriends, eric is comfortable with me having a life outside of him. he encourages me to pursue the things i want, because ultimately it makes me more happy, which in turn makes our relationship better, stronger.

so win win!

and on top of career and boyfriend, i've also piled my art. in hopes of turning my art into more than a hobby, i've started networking. i'm also putting more of myself into the things i make. more time, more care.

overall, i've never been happier or more excited to see what my future holds. i couldn't ask for a more patient, loving, and understanding man in my life... though every time i have to leave his side, it hurts a little more, i know that it's only a matter of time until i won't have to :)

and in the process of developing my relationship with eric, i've found myself, and realized how strong and independent i can be. as shauna always says.. 'loving this life'

and i really am :-D

pinpoint where i am.

a friend of mine posted a quote on facebook today. she had seen it painted on the side of the barn and felt compelled to share it. so i too feel compelled to pass it on.

'all the love you take equals all the love you make'

it's a good concept. i'd like to think that i pass on the same amount of love to other people as i am given. i hope you're doing the same.

_______________________________

on another note:

my sister and brother in law (and their baby, of course) are moving out on the 15th. i am so happy for them. and not just because i get the biggest room in the house :) they really need to be out on their own. they've been married for a few years now and they've lived with family the entire time.

vicki's afraid they won't last long on their own, but i tried explaining that they will, as long as they do whatever they have to, to stay on their own. vicki doesn't work. she stays at home with their son, and she babysits our nephew 3 days a week. i told her that she should try and find at least one more kid to babysit. it would help supplement their income and even if it's not much, it will help!

__________________________________

last but not least.

i haven't seen eric in 2 weeks. it's driving me crazy being away from him this long! i've been keeping myself busy with art and such, but i still really miss him. he's coming out to my neck of the woods for the weekend, because my grandpa is in town. sunday morning all the men are going to get coffee, then the women are meeting up with them a little later for breakfast. we'll all be going to my brother's house later in the day for a bbq as well. it will be really nice :) but saturday is my dad with him :) i'm not sure what we'll be doing, but there will be a lot of hand holding and hugging and cuddling and smooches! just sayin :D

beer crisis

i'm just letting y'all know that i had a beer, or 3, before writing this, so i apologize ahead of time for any 'drunken' ramblings that happen here tonight.

i had a discussion with a girl at work today, who i honestly thought didn't like me. i came to find out, she just doesn't like her job. she went to school for something, but never found an 'in' to get her where she wants to be career-wise. she wants to do something with 'visual marketing.' she did it for a few companies in the retail industry, but ultimately, she wants to work for a studio.

i was listening to her talk about all this and i felt so crappy about my own life.

but then, she started talking about how she's been with the same guy for 8 years. she wants to get married and have kids and he's just lagging. his priorities are, i guess, out of wack. she lives with her parents, too, which made me feel a little better about my situation, because she's like.. 28, or something.

i just kept telling myself, 'eric will marry me before we hit 8 years.................... right? right.'

but i realized, i don't have to convince myself, like i did with frank. i can just say, 'everything will be ok. we'll get married when it's right, which i'm sure will be sooner rather than later,' and i feel fine about it. with frank, and other various ex boyfriends, i always felt like i HAD to have a time for when things were going to happen. like i had a chart or something, that said when this and this and that were supposed to happen, and if we didn't follow it strictly.... idk, maybe i'd burst into flames or something?

i never had a chart, btw. that was just an example. i'm not THAT crazy thankyouverymuch.

then yesterday, J decided to tell me that he wishes he had gotten together with me when he had the chance, and again, i did not have the reaction that i expected myself to have. usually, in that situation i'd start questioning my current relationship. is he the guy i'm meant to be with, or maybe this new guy...?

but i didn't have that, at all. and that's not to say it's because i didn't have feelings for J. i mean, i don't anymore, but i definitely did at one time. but i caught myself thinking 'but, i love eric.' and not as a 'why are you doing this, when i love eric,' but more as a statement. pure and true. no question about it. i love eric and eric is the man i am supposed to be with. and WANT to be with, whether i'm supposed to or not (but i AM supposed to) so it's perfect really.

he makes me a better person. he makes me want to change things about myself that i never realized needed to be changed. but don't get me wrong, he's not asking me to change. i realize there are things i want to change about myself just by being around him. he exudes confidence and responsibility and pure unadulterated goodness. i have never in my life met someone that i looked up to and respected so much.

and that's not to say that he's perfect, or even our relationship. we both err. we both get on each other's nerves occasionally. he has bad habits, i have HORRIBLE habits. but we compliment each other. we COMPLETE each other. and it just works.

i know a lot of people who are in a rush to have a wedding, and have a baby. i am not one of those people. wait wait, i know, you're like 'WHAT?!?!?! weren't you JUST complaining about not being married?' uhhh, yeah. i can not wait to be married. i can not wait to have a husband and to have children with my husband. children that are part me, part him. children that we can raise together, to be respectable adults. i don't want to get married for the sake of having a wedding. i don't want to have a baby for the sake of having a baby to show off to my friends. shit, i'll probably be a recluse after i give birth.

i just want to be happy and grow old with the man i love. to watch my children grow up and get married and have their own children, my grandchildren.

eric talks about how he's going to love being old, and y'know what? i'm going to love being old with eric :)

major league issues

had an emotional meltdown today, a mental breakdown. there have been quite a few things stressing me lately, most of which i'm trying to let roll off my shoulders.

but there was one major issue that kept nagging at me. last night, in the form of tears, it burst out of me at full speed while talking to my mother about a completely unrelated topic.

so today, i let it stir a little, cried a few times for 'no reason' or so everyone around me thought. then tonight i let it loose on eric! poor guy, but really it was an issue with him that needed to be dealt with, so i guess it was time.

in the past few months he has made several comments about the fact that i need to eventually get out on my own, out of my parents house. either alone or with a roommate. but he has made it clear that he wants me to be out of my parents house before he marries me.

say it with me... WTFFFFFFFFFFFF!

i HAVE lived on my own. in colorado, i paid rent, paid all my own bills, bought groceries, took care of 1000 sq ft! yes, that is not a lot of space, but is it much smaller than your average apartment? no.

then i lived with meg, which i have been honest that i did not feel was a real grown up situation.

so tonight i told him exactly how i felt. that even when i get a better job and am making more money, i will be staying with my folks. why should i move out and have all that extra money i'm making going to rent on an apartment that i don't really want to be in, all alone?

i think it is a much smarter thing for me to live with my parents, save money, and be that much closer to starting my life with eric.

so, he took it really well. i won't share what he said, but it was really nice to hear how he feels about it now that i voiced my opinion. needless to say, he doesn't feel the same as he did when he first brought it up to me.

i love him :)

Whyshouldyoulistentome?

I have no scholastic credentials.

I am not recognized as an authority on any subject.

I am not respected in any field.

in case of emergency: break face

please do not consider asking my opinion if you are going to do any of the following:

warp my words to fit into what YOUR opinion was.

dismiss my opinion because it is not the same as yours.

tell me that my opinion doesn't really apply to the situation at hand. (maybe it doesn't, but that's likely because you left out details)

DO NOT get upset with me because i called you out.

___________________________________________

I'm sure that you are friends with me because we are different. We complement each other. We disagree. So please do not ask my opinion if it is only to get validation, because chances are, I'm going to disagree with you.

because words are meant to be written.

The Rules:
List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.
Don't say who they pertain to.

1.
you said it was allmyfault and you thought i believed you.
but the truth is, ive never really believed one thing you said. especially the i.love.yous

2.
i owe you my life. i wish i knew more about yours.

3.
why couldn't you have just left me alone? i would have been better off without these shaky memories.

4.
i'm not your FUCKINGPLAYGROUNDMAN, you cannot walk all over me. we are not them anymore. please move on.

5.
you may have spent more money, but i gave you more. i gave you me.

6.
this whole thing, itscarestheshitoutofme. but in a good way :)

7.
you may not know who you are, but i know who you are, and i admire you for it everyday. especially the days you think i hate you.

8.
can we please stand in a room with each other without throwing knives forONEGODDAMNMINUTE!?

9.

was it all a joke or was this real? it felt real to me, but now im not sure it happened at all. i wish i knew if this was some cruel joke.

10.

youre TOOFAR and i cant stand it. i miss you but its time to let you go.

11.

get some god damn self respect. grow the other half of your brain. and then MAYBE think about calling me.

the road to nowhere

i was once an amazing, happy, talented, creative, independent, unique individual.

now i do not know what i am.

i sit and look at the things i have written, and can't help but feel a little empty.

i look at photos of myself and can't help but wonder where things went wrong.

i can blame it all on someone else. someone who is no longer a part of my life. or i can take responsibility for where i am at.

but none of this helps fix the problem. none of this helps change who i have become.

a friend tonight asked, 'what happened to the gravel-for-breakfast girl you used to be,' and the truth is, i don't know. i had no answer to give to him, because i have no answer to give myself.

i have made mistakes, lots of them. for a long time i felt that regret was only a weakness. i felt i was better than the sad people who sit around thinking about all the stupid shit they've done.

but now, i don't know. my motto was 'nullum poenitentia' for years. i loved telling people that i had no regret. but now i am filled with them.

i have become what i hate. and i despise myself.

i wish i could find my way back to that girl up there. the girl with no regret, who's like nobody you've met.

but where do i start?

hello blogosphere!

tonight was interesting to say the least.

i discovered that two new supervisor positions have opened in my district.

one is in my store. it is part time.

one is in irvine. it is full time.

i may apply for both. see which i get.

..........................the downside- i will have to work friday-sunday every weekend. i will never see eric.

it is hard enough not seeing eric throughout the week, especially when i have a bad week. i am not sure how i will handle only seeing him every few weeks, if that.

i am absolutely positive it will not have a negative effect on our relationship. i am not the type to think 'i need a boyfriend who is around all the time,' i am only afraid of what it may do to my depression.

i am so in love with him. i wish that i could hit fast forward on our relationship. not because i want to miss anything that happens, but because i want to be his wife already.

i want to be around him often. i want to live with him, which won't happen until we are married.

but i digress... the supervisor position would be a good way to get there. it would help me become more financially stable, more independent.

i do not have much debt to pay, but the little wages i make now make it very hard to pay more than my minimums.

i think it is time for me to grow up.

hello monday, i hate you

but i am enjoying these yummy pina colada tic tacs that i just purchased... the only good thing that will come out of today.

blow the rest away.

today has started out interestingly enough. my nephews threw a few rolls of toilet paper in the toilet.

Ciaran has obviously learned to open doors on his own.

YAY!

it's hard to try and find the time to do my running when people are coming at me from all sides, asking me to do things for them...

things that prevent me from getting anything done that i need to do.

it's hard to do things for myself when i have my family around, trying to make me feel selfish.

so today, i go to walmart, sams club, and target with vicki, to run her errands. then i go to work. accomplishing nothing for myself.

hooray....

___________________________________________

Amend:

because i am, apparently, incredibly slow and can not shower, do my hair, get dressed, etc in 5 minutes, i am no longer INVITED to run errands with my sister.

120 days of sodom

eric has added 'Salò' to his netflix queue for us to watch next weekend.

i have read/heard many things about this movie. it is supposedly one of the most disturbing movies ever made...

Salò

i am looking forward to enjoying it with a big bowl of popcorn and boyfriend...

the weekends are the shining light at the end of the dark tunnels that are my weeks... the time i get to spend with eric, and selfishly, hopefully nobody else.

comfort

it must have been at least 3 years ago... i had a crush...

el bombo atomico

i am an asshole.

i lose friends fast.

and when i realize ive lost another, i harden myself.

and because of this vicious cycle repeating itself...

i am an asshole.

and when you tell me this over and over again.

the vicious cycle repeats itself...

and i am STILL an asshole.

but thanks for sharing your opinion of me.

i was a failure and they found me out.

today, more than anything, i feel like a failure.

i do not finish what i start. i rarely start things in the first place because i always come back to the same place.

what if i start something and fail at it?

i feel lazy and lethargic and unmotivated.. and a million other shitty things on top.

i dont know what to do with myself or my life anymore.

the only things i want to do are oddities that will get me nowhere in life.

i get on a roll painting, creating, cutting, gluing, taping. no good comes from these things.

i go to work for less than half of a normal persons work shift and i can not stand it.

it drags and all i want to do is go home. not even to do anything. just to not be there.

i never want to be where i am. and when i go somewhere else i dont want to be there either.

i want to be nowhere. and lucky me, thats exactly where i am.

she believes in superstition

is fate a farce? some illusion to make us believe that the things that have happened and will happen are meant to be. some illusion to make us rationalize the stupid decisions we make in our lives?